Hall of




Back Porch Humor

A site devoted to returning country music back
to its roots - that traditional sound

Ride "em Cowgirl!
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Midlife for a woman begins when...
You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans.

You are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, you are now flying squirrels in drag.

You stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end. (without turning around).

You go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.

Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" ... jiggly, yes - jiggy, no.

Your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Tennessee).

You want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think ... "For this I have stretch marks?!"

Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here - or - how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

It's nice being a guy because:
We know stuff about tanks.

A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars. (except the one's we leave in the fridge for a year.)

We can make decisions without a support group. (except driving directions.)

We can leave a motel bed unmade.

We can kill our own food.

We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.

Underwear is $10 a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.

We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.

We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.

We don't have to shave below the neck.

A few belches are expected and tolerated.

One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

We can do our nails with a pocketknife or any other sharp object we find.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

You Know You're from Tennessee if...
1. You measure distance in hours.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are. (tee hee)
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. (but they really do) 13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports. 15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Tennessean is from West, Middle, or East Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World".
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
24. You can't find real butter in 90% of the state's restaurants.

Rules for Calling "Shotgun" ...
If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable.
It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.
The Rules:
1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.
2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will determine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight, or a "pout-off" can be held instead.
3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or potty stops), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.
4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.
5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.
6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.

(English phrase followed by Chinese Interpretation)
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Morris, the dumby, walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at Morris and says, "Have you seen Eileen?"
Morris is really confused and asked, "Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."
Well Morris, the dumb, was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do? You should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben, and when he says Ben who, you say I bend over and you kiss my butt."
So Morris goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said, "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
So Morris asks, "Eileen who?"

"PUN" TIME ...
... or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

"Redneck" Humor ...
A young man in a bar leans over to the guy sitting next to him and says, "Hey buddy, do you want to hear a 'redneck' joke?" The second guy replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200lbs... and I'm a redneck. See my friend over there? He's 6'2", 225lbs... and he's also a redneck. And see that big fella next to him? He's a redneck too. So, do you still want to tell that joke?" To which the young man answers, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Difference between northern and southern fairytales
* A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
* A southern fairytale begins "'Ya'll ain't gonna believe this..."


    We don't keep firearms in this house.
    Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
    You can't feed that to the dog.
    I thought Graceland was tacky.
    No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
    Wrasslin's fake.
    Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
    We're vegetarians.
    Do you think my hair is too big?
    I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
    Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
    Who's Richard Petty?
    Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
    Deer heads detract from the decor.
    Spitting is such a nasty habit.
    I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
    Trim the fat off that steak.
    Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
    The tires on that truck are too big.
    I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
    I've got it all on a floppy disk.
    Unsweetened tea tastes better.
    Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
    My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
    I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
    Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
    She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
    Does the salad bar have any bean sprouts?
    Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
    I don't have a favorite college team.
    I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
    Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
    Elvis who?
    Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 (Win98-A) may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of a cotton-covered field.
    Note also the following:
    *Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse.
    *My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption.
    *Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys.
    *Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard.
    *Hard Drive is referred to as four-wheel drive.
    Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
    Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
    Should you have this version, (Win98-A), please be advised of the following key naming differences:
    *OK = It's aww-right
    *Cancel = Heck no
    *Reset = Awwww shoot
    *Yes = Shore
    *No = Nope
    *Find = Hunt fer it *Go = Over yonder
    *Back = Back yonder
    *Help = Hep me out here
    *Stop Ternit off
    *Start = Crank it up
    *Settings = Sittins
    *Programs = Stuff 'at does stuff
    *Documents = Stuff I done done
    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    Only in America ...
    Only in America ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
    Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    Only in America ... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
    Only in America ... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
    Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
    Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    Did You Ever Wonder? ...
    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
    If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
    If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
    If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    Why is the word abbreviation so long?
    If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
    Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
    What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
    Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
    Is it possible to be totally partial?
    What's another word for thesaurus?
    When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
    Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
    Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
    Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
    Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
    If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
    What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    If a turtle loses it's shell... is it naked, or homeless?
    What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
    What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
    If a tin whistle is made out of tin... and it is... exactly what is a fog horn made out of?
    "Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
    If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
    What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
    Is there another word for synonym?
    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    Why do they report power outages on TV?

    A Woman's Random Thoughts ...
    Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

    Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

    One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

    The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

    The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

    Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

    Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

    I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

    A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

    Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat."

    Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

    They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"

    If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

    Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...
    Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
    She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
    Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
    Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
    Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
    Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
    Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
    Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
    Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
    She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
    Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
    Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
    Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
    Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
    Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
    Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
    Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
    Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
    Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
    You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
    Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
    Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

    Politically Correct.... Women Vs. Men
    How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
    1. She is not dumb - She is a detour off the information superhighway.
    2. She has not "been around" - She is a previously enjoyed companion.
    3. She is not an airhead - She is reality impaired.
    4. She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets chemically inconvienced.
    5. She is not "hot to trot" - She is sexually focused.
    6. She does not have implants - She is medically enhanced.
    7. She does not nag you - She is merely verbally repetitive.
    8. She is not "easy" - She is sexually extroverted.
    9. She does not have major league hooters - She is pectorally superior.
    10. She is not a two-bit whore - She is a low cost provider.

    How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
    1. He does not have a beer gut - He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
    2. He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian.
    3. He does not "get lost all the time" - He investigates alternative destinations.
    4. He is not balding - He is in follicle regression.
    5. He is not a "cradle robber" - He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
    6. He does not get falling-down drunk - He becomes accidentally horizontal.
    7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass - He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no one is perfect ... least of all him!).
    8. He is not a male chauvinist pig - He has swine empathy.
    9. He is not afraid of commitment - He is monogamously challenged.
    10. He is not vulgar - He is etiquette deprived.

    10 Commandments My Ex-Wife lives by!
              1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
              2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "the Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
              3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful Filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor 5 and leave it alone.
              4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
              5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
              6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
              7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
              8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
              9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ... I haven't had the heart to clean it."
              10. Mix one quarter cup pine scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

    Hey Bubba!
    A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can love'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he pulls off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

    Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
    10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
    9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
    8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
    7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
    6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
    5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
    4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
    3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
    2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
    1. Hey, pull my finger!

    * Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
    * Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
    * Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.
    * I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
    * When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
    * You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.
    * I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
    * Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
    * Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
    * Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.
    * If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
    * First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

    Find me a Priest!
    A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gather around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and at least eighty years old. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the old-time over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

    Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
    If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.
    If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    If at first you don't succeed, give up! No use being a damn fool.

    New Viagra
    Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form. It will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Don't Mess with the Mrs.
    Bobby Joe left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be just fine with me!" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye ...

    Vaseline Works
    A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline...and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

    Hints for the Online Lovelorn
    1) Before deciding you're falling in love with a man you meet online and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not your long-lost cousin who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap but now has a corner office and works for IBM.

    2) When receiving IMs from strange men late at night, always check for a profile before you chat with them. The only place people like Ted Bundy will have a profile is the FBI serial killer database. So if he doesn't have a profile, beware!

    3) Don't read or answer any e-mail that sends you a link to any website with a name like "www.vibrator4u.com".

    4) Make up witty answers to the proverbial "so what do you do for a living?" that come out of the blue from a man in chat. If you don't care to respond to this question honestly, good responses are "I seal envelopes at home; I'm up to 15 a day now!" "I run a covent of witches out of a small cave near the Delaware coast " or " I'm the person who walks behind elephants at the circus". It just makes chat so much more fun!

    5) Watch out for .wav files with names like "bendover.wav","lemmedoU.wav", from men you don't know.

    6) When instant messaging an old boyfriend who broke your heart but whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off with "you fucking asshole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having brie right now!"

    7) Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey available in your collection of .GIFs. Send this to the cyber freaks who won't leave you alone and tell them it's you.

    8) Respond to everything a "jerk" online says with "not listening, daydreaming about homicide". Keep listing this as a response. It will drive them nuts.

    9) If you REALLY meet a nice guy online, call a private detective. Chances are it's a cover in the Witness Protection program.

    10) And finally, install a second phone line and keep it free. Forget about other people needing to call you... you really need it for the day you might want to order a pizza without having to sign off.

    Southern U.S. Sayings ...
    1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
    2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
    3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
    4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
    5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
    6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
    7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
    8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
    9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
    10. "This is gooder'n grits."
    11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
    12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

    You Know You're a Redneck If...
    You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
    You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
    Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
    You come back from the dump with more than you took.
    You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
    You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
    You have a rag for a gas cap.
    Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
    You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
    You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip.
    You use your ironing board as a buffet table.
    A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
    You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
    You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
    The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
    You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

    Killing Flies
    Sam stopped at a friend`s shop the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.
    When Sam asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:
    "Yeah... 3 males and 2 females."
    Curious, Sam inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
    He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

    Time for a Check Up
    A 75-year-old man goes to see his doctor for a physical.
    The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
    And the man says, "Oh God and Me? We're close.
    We have a real bond, he's good to me!
    Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and when I leave, he turns it back off."
    Upon hearing his patient's proclamation the doctor is astonished. He called the man's wife and says, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
    And the man's wife replies...
    "That old clown! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

    The Incredible Golf Ball...:
    Two Golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it." (Think about it ... it'll come to you :)

    You know you are in Wisconsin when:
    1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
    2. "Vacation" means going up nort' to Crivitz for the weekend.
    3. You measure distance in hours.
    4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
    5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again!
    6. You use a down comforter in the summer - and gloves.
    7. You drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
    8 You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
    9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
    10. You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and berries.
    11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
    12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Fleet Farm at any given time.
    13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit ov! er a snowsuit.
    14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
    15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
    16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
    17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
    18. You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

    AND THE OTHER LIST ... Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
    You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
    Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
    You refer to the Packers as "we".
    You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
    You can identify an Illinois accent.
    You know what cow-tipping is.
    You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
    Down South to you means Chicago.
    A brat is something you eat.
    You have ! no problem spelling Milwaukee.
    You consider Madison exotic.
    You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
    You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
    You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
    You know what a bubbler is.
    Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
    Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
    You go out for fish fry every Friday.
    You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
    You know how to polka.
    Formal wear is blue jeans and a baseball cap.
    You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop".
    You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
    Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
    You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
    You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
    You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon.
    You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
    Y! ou've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
    You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
    You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
    The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages for sports.
    At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
    Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
    You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
    You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
    You know what to do with a Blatz...
    You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin Friends.

    MORE: You Know You're a Redneck If...
    1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
    2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
    3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
    4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
    5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
    6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
    7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.
    8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
    9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
    10. If you've ever asked the preacher, "Hows it hangin".
    11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
    12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.
    13. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
    14. If breakfast consist of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
    15. If there are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.
    16. If a museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
    17. If your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
    18. If your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
    19. If you have ever been shot at by the law.
    20. If you have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.

    Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips ...
    10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
    9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
    8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
    7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
    6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
    5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
    4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
    3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
    2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
    1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

    * Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
    * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    * Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
    * It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
    * If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
    * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
    * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.
    * Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
    * Your eyes won't get much worse.
    * Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
    * Things you buy now won't wear out.
    * No one expects you to run into a burning building.
    * There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
    * Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
    * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ...
    1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
    2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
    3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.
    4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
    5. If it's electronic, get a new one ...or consult a twelve-year-old.
    6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
    7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
    8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
    9. If something looks level, it is level.
    10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
    11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

    - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
    - Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
    - Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. - Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
    - Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
    - Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
    - Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
    - Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
    - Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
    - Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
    - Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
    - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
    - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
    - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
    - Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
    - Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
    - Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
    - Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
    - Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
    - Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
    - Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
    - Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
    - Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
    - Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
    - Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
    - Old investors never die, they just roll over.
    - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
    - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
    - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
    - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
    - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
    - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
    - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
    - Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.
    - Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
    - Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
    - Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
    - Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
    - Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
    - Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
    - Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
    - Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
    - Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
    - Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on ...
    - Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
    - Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
    - Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
    - Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
    - Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
    - Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
    - Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
    - Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
    - Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
    - Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
    - Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
    - Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
    - Old students never die, they just get degraded.
    - Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
    - Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
    - Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
    - Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
    - Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
    - There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

    Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
    You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
    Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
    Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
    Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
    You look forward to a dull evening.
    Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
    Your back goes out more than you do.
    You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
    You know all the answers, but nobody asks the question.

    14. "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"
    13. "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."
    12. "If this Plexiglas wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."
    11. "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"
    10. "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"
    9. "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."
    8. "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"
    7. "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"
    6. "Don't make me put you back in the womb!"
    5. "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"
    4. "You just wait til your father gets paroled!"
    3. "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin again."
    2. "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"
    1. "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

    Absolute Zero............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
    Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
    American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
    Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
    Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
    Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
    Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup
    Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
    Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, sand
    Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
    George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
    Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine
    Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn
    Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
    Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
    Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
    Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil
    Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria
    Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
    Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
    Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater
    Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
    A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine
    Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
    Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
    Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal
    Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks
    Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, andpomegranate
    Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair
    Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar
    Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice
    Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
    Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birds

    Veteran Pillsbury spokeman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

    If shop mannequins were real women, they'd be too thin to menstruate.
    There are 3 billion women who don't look like super models and only eight who do.
    Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.
    If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
    The average American woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a size 12 and 14.
    One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
    The models in the magazines are airbrushed.
    A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.
    Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today they weigh 23% less.

    March Planned For Next August
    Blind Bishop Appointed To See
    Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
    L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
    Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
    Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
    Diaper Market Bottoms Out
    Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
    Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
    Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
    Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
    Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
    Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
    Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
    Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
    Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
    Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
    20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
    War Dims Hope For Peace
    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
    Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

    Doctor says "Everything seems to be normal."
    Doctor REALLY means "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

    Doctor says "I'd like to run some more tests."
    Doctor REALLY means "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

    Doctor says "This may hurt a little."
    Doctor REALLY means "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

    Doctor says "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
    Doctor REALLY means "I can't remember your name, nor why you're here.

    Doctor says "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    Doctor REALLY means "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

    Doctor says "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    Doctor REALLY means "I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will split fees."

    Doctor says "There is a lot of that going around."
    Doctor REALLY means "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."

    Doctor says "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    Doctor REALLY means "I think I'm going to throw up."

    Doctor says "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    Doctor REALLY means "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

    Doctor says "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    Doctor REALLY means "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig."

    Doctor says "This should be taken care of right away."
    Doctor REALLY means "I'd planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

    Doctor says "We'll see."
    Doctor REALLY means "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

    Doctor says "Let me check your medical history."
    Doctor REALLY means "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

    Doctor says "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    Doctor REALLY means "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time."

    Doctor says "We have some good news and some bad news."
    Doctor REALLY means "The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that you're going to pay for it."

    Doctor says "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    Doctor REALLY means "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

    Doctor says "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
    Doctor REALLY means "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

    Doctor says "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
    Doctor REALLY means "I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt."

    TOP 15 ELF PICKUP LINES: (An Oldie but Goodie
    15 - "I'm down here!"
    14 - "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
    13 - "I was once a lawn ornament for George Jones."
    12 - "No, no, I don't bake Dolly Parton wig"
    10 - "I can eat my weight in cocktail weiners"
    9 - "I taught Santa everything he knows."
    8 - "I'm a magical being, just close your eyes and relax." 7 - "I'm free on Christmas Eve."
    6 - "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
    5 - "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
    4 - "You know what they say about guys with big ears."
    3 - "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
    2 - "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
    1 - "I can get you off the naughty list."

  • Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  • If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking, "He must be mad at me."
  • Same work...more pay.
  • Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  • Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
  • You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  • You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
  • You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  • You can kill your own food.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be friends.
  • You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  • You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  • Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
  • You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • You don't have to shave below your neck.
  • At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  • You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  • Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

  • IDIOTS IN DEPARTMENT STORES - I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one on the receipt. As luck would have it - they matched.
  • IDIOTS AT WORK - Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
  • IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY - After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
  • ADVICE FOR IDIOTS - An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:" "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
  • IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD - I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing Sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
  • IDIOTS & COMPUTERS - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
  • IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE - I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
  • IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE - My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
  • MORE IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE - I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the employee I would be coming by to pick it up. I asked if they were on the east or west side of the street. She replied, "It depends. Which direction are you coming from?"

  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  • Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
  • All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words even strike fear in the heart of General Schwarzkopf.
  • Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  • Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.
  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
  • Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
  • Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
  • Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
  • Only men who have worn a ski or snowmobile suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
  • All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
  • Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
  • Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: Depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: Nerdy and not nerdy.
  • Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly, ever notice?
  • No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be like Cary Grant.
  • When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  • Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  • Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

    If you're looking to start the new millenium in a new house, here are some helpful translations of descriptions in Real Estate ads:
    Sophisticated city living - Next to a noisy bar.
    Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
    Contemporary feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
    Close to Lakes - Impossible to park from April to October
    Wide open floor plan - Previous owner removed supporting walls.
    Security System - Neighbor has a dog.
    Need TLC - Major structural damage.
    Updated kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
    Motivated seller - Has been on the market for 14 years.
    Convenient - Located on freeway entrance ramp.
    Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
    Neutral decor - No murals of Garth or Elvis, but has tan walls.
    Move in condition - Front door missing.
    Cozy - No room larger than 9 x 6.
    Lower level family room - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
    Light open spaces - Many holes in walls and ceiling.
    Outstanding - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

  • Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...No matter how good his manners are!
  • Be considerate of your guest. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located in the sofa.
  • At the movies, refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Studies have shown that they can't hear you.

    The Government, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African-American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Barf Crook's slang, or "Crooksphonics", as a language to be taught in all schools. The following are excerpts from the Crooksphonics/English dictionary:

    HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
    BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
    JAWJUH - noun. The state North of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
    BAMMER - noun. The state West of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
    MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
    THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
    IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
    RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
    ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
    FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
    TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
    TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
    RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
    FAT - noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'mah gonna whup y'uh."
    FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

    Barf goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.
    "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
    "This one is $350."
    "I want it even more sheer than that."
    Barf goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
    His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
    "Gezz, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing."

    DOGS and CATS ... PROS and CONS
    Why Dogs are better than Cats:
    11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
    10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
    9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
    8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
    7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
    6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
    5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
    4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
    3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
    2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
    1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

    Top Reasons To Own A Cat Over A Dog:
    15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
    14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
    13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
    12. In 1997, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
    11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
    10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
    9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
    8. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
    7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
    6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
    5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
    4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
    3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
    2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
    1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

    Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to "cave your head in."
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

    "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
    "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
    "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
    "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
    "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
    "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

    Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
    Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
    Byte - What your pitbull done to cusin Jethro.
    Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
    Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
    Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
    Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
    Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
    Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
    Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
    Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos.
    Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair.
    Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
    Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
    Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
    Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
    Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
    Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
    ROM - Where the pope lives.
    Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
    Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
    Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
    SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

    (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)
    1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
    2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
    3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
    4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
    5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
    6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
    7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
    8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
    9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
    10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
    11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
    12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
    13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
    14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
    15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

  • Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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